The stupidest thing a guy ever said to me in bed was this: “I don’t need to use condoms, because I only sleep with girls from wealthy families.”
Right.
As will come as no shock to anyone, guys will say literally anything to sleep with you without a condom. I considered explaining to this guy that, unfortunately, even if his insane logic actually held truth, my parents’ tax bracket still wouldn’t protect me from disease. However, by that point my vagina was already closed for business, so we just called it a night.
Condoms kinda suck, but STIs and abortions suck way more, so condoms it is! I’m not going to use this article to rant about the reasons why everyone should use protection. We already know why: because STIs are annoying, expensive, and could negatively affect your life forever, and because getting an abortion is a really inconvenient way to spend a Saturday afternoon. However, according to statistics, most of us are idiots and have unprotected sex on the regular, even with STIs on the rise in this country. I find it bizarre that so many people still talk about condoms being a turn-off, when really, the biggest turn-off is having to argue with a guy about why he should put one on.
Proper condom etiquette can be really sexy. The bar isn’t very high—all a girl wants is for you to stop whining, put it on, and control your delusions of grandeur, because when you wear a Magnum unnecessarily, it feels like we’re having sex with an empty bag.
My friend, a 25-year-old editor I’ll call Karen, is uniquely passionate about condom dexterity. “The most attractive thing is when the guy can do it all with one hand,” she said with great admiration, sort of the way my dad talks about LeBron James. “He grabs the package and rips it open with his teeth, all while keeping one hand on me—that’s literally such a skill!” Karen often talks fondly of one ex who was particularly agile with a condom. “The process was so fluid, I wouldn’t even notice it happened,” she said. “It’s funny, because it had the opposite effect the first time. I was like, ‘Wow, you put that condom on so well. You must have sex with three different girls a day.’ He had the finesse of a serial cheater. It was unbelievable. But realistically he was a nerd, so he’d probably just practiced on his own. I mean, he did used to be fat.”
The biggest faux pas? According to Karen, it’s when a guy tries to persuade you not to use one. “If I have to leave my sexual headspace to be like ‘Hello, Protection!’ then he’s already made a mistake. If we carry out a conversation longer than ‘Put on a condom,’ I’m too pissed off to care about sex, because I ultimately feel like the guy was trying to manipulate me into being unsafe.”
It’s confusing that this has become an established dynamic: apparently, the girl is the one who cares about condoms, and the guy is just doing us a favor by wearing one. But like, why aren’t guys scared of me? I’m the type of girl who passes out at sex parties. It’s like Amy Schumer tells guys in bed: “Trust me, you’re gonna want to wear this, I’ve had a busy month.”
Statistics have shown that straight, young people are more concerned about pregnancy than STIs. (Which is so weird because, hello, there’s actually a cure for pregnancy.) In the past, when a partner of mine has been resistant to condoms, my most effective retort has been to lie and say, “I’m not on birth control.” Say you’re anti-abortion and dudes will straight-up double-bag it. But we shouldn’t have to trick our partners into being safe. And I’m sick of hearing guys complain about lack of sensation, as if it feels better without a condom only for them. Contrary to popular belief, women are not just sex-bot-cum-dumpsters—we also experience sexual sensitivity.
In my personal experience, there are four main condom camps. First, there are the normal nice guys who automatically put on a condom because they’re not stupid and don’t want to get my hypothetical STIs. Then there are the heroic-gesture guys, who put on a condom but are way too self-congratulatory about it, like Matthew McConaughey at an awards ceremony. In the third camp are the guys who try to argue you out of using protection and kill the moment. (The worst camp.) And in the fourth, you’ve got the guys who are condom incompetent: they spend fifteen minutes frantically running around the apartment trying to find one. Or they put the condom on inside out and act confused as to why it’s not rolling down. (Come on. You at least have to know the basics, don’t you? I don’t get confused and accidentally squirt the lube into my mouth. Watch a YouTube tutorial.) Or they don’t know how to buy condoms that fit them properly. (It bears repeating here: Guys, if you wear a Magnum even though your dick is a normal size, the condom is baggy. So awkward.)
But in all fairness, it’s not always the guy who’s being the idiot. My friend, who I’ll call Ken, a 33-year-old filmmaker, always uses protection, and over the years he has encountered women who put up a fight. “I was recently about to have sex with a girl that I really liked for the first time, but when I reached for the condom she literally rolled her eyes at me,” he told me. “As if I was the world’s biggest loser. I think there’s a false notion that sex can’t feel good with a condom. It’s certainly not that much better without one that I’d risk fucking up my sex life forever.”
It’s true. Sex is supposed to be a fun, stress-reducing experience; it’s not supposed to leave you with crippling anxiety that you’re pregnant or have a disease. I’m not one for thrill-seeking activities—I feel alive enough without having to jump out of a plane or swim with sharks or fuck without a condom.
It’s 2015. You don’t have to leave your safety in the hands of other people. It’s not “slutty” for girls to carry condoms. Carrying condoms is cool, because it means you’re a bad bitch who’s in control of her life. And don’t feel like you have to ask permission to use one. Assume it’s a given: Grab one from the nightstand, or your bag (or your bra? . . . casual), and just put it on. And remember that, ultimately, you make the rules. If you tell a guy you’re going to leave unless he puts on a condom, he’s always going to put one on.
Karley Sciortino writes the blog Slutever.
Hair and Makeup: Ingeborg
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