Last year, I briefly dated a guy who wasn’t very skilled with his hands, to say the least. Simply put, he fingered me like one picks one’s nose—as if he was digging for something, using this incessant jabbing motion. I could usually tolerate it for about thirty seconds before I’d brush his hand away, hurriedly moving him onto some other, less torturous sex act. But then one day I lost it, and found myself shouting, “Bro, stroke it like an iPhone! You wouldn’t claw your iPhone, would you?!” At that moment he froze, clearly insulted. We stopped seeing each other after that, and I regretted not wording my request a little differently, because despite his lack of dexterity, the guy actually wasn’t so bad.
How do we get what we want in bed, without insulting our partners, or coming off as bossy or demanding? The obvious and very cliché answer is that “communication is key.” Well duh, but the other question is—how does one communicate these things? We see sex on TV and in the movies, and we assume that if a romance is meant to be, we’ll have instant sexual chemistry—everything will flow, we’ll be struck with ESP-like knowledge of each other’s kinks and preferences, and everyone will leave happy. But of course, that isn’t always the case. Sex is usually clumsy and awkward, even between two people who really like each other. And sometimes, no matter how hard you try, it’s just impossible to telepathically communicate that you want to be tied to your bedpost and spanked with a wooden paddle. Sigh . . . life is hard.
Clearly, there are many methods of communicating. From my experience, nonverbal communication works wonders when it comes to sex. Words can come out wrong or be misinterpreted, especially when in a delicate situation, so, if you can, lead with the body. For example, if you’re of my persuasion and like being choked, just take your partner’s hand and place it around your neck, and then give it a little squeeze. He/she will get the idea, believe me. If you want to be spanked, bend over your partner’s lap. If you want your hair pulled, maybe give his hair a tug first, to set the tone. If a guy is cluelessly jabbing at your labia with his unclipped fingernails, casually brush his hand aside and start pleasing yourself. With any luck, he’ll learn by example. Monkey see, monkey do, right? However, if your partner is a little slow on picking up the nonverbals, you might need to spell it out.
When giving instructions in bed, the key is to avoid hurting anyone’s feelings. In grade school, we’re taught that the most constructive way to work through a problem is to use “I” statements, to avoid placing blame. So for example: “I don’t like when you yell at me” is a lot less confrontational than saying “You always yell at me.” This technique works in bed, too. If your partner is doing something you don’t like, rather than accuse, you could say something else, such as, “I don’t like being touched there—I’m just sensitive. But I do like if when . . . [insert whatever].” Basically, make the issue all about you, so as not to crush their ego (a.k.a. boner).
But for as wise as I am, I don’t have all the sex answers, so I decided to get a second opinion on this very pressing matter from my friend Tea, who writes about sexuality for the Italian editions of Wired and Vice, as well as her own blog Sugartits. Tea told me that her tried-and-true method for getting what she wants in bed is talking dirty, because in the heat of the moment, anything goes. She said, “Sex is like being drunk—you can’t be held responsible for the things you say during sex, no matter how embarrassing they seem after the fact. When I look back on things I’ve said and done in bed, I feel like I was possessed—like, Yeah I barked like a dog and then asked you to put a collar on me, I was horny, duh.” Preach, woman! This also goes to show that timing is important. It’s best to give instruction during sex, rather than before, which can seem presumptuous and controlling, or after, which can feel like critique. There’s no nice way to say, “That was good, but . . . ”
According to Tea, for women specifically, the biggest hindrance to getting our way in bed is faking orgasms. It’s not news anymore—it’s harder for women to cum during sex than it is for men, and casual sex isn’t always so physically pleasurable for the woman. But faking it is only making the problem worse, because it gives praise where praise isn’t due, which motivates your partner to repeat things that aren’t working, which means you have to keep faking it—it’s a vicious cycle.
Of course, many women are familiar with the “no hope” scenario, when a guy is failing in bed in such a profound way that it seems pointless to try and salvage the situation. Faking a “pity orgasm” seems fair game here, simply to make sex stop. But in fact, pity orgasms are detrimental to womankind. Think of it this way: every time you fake it, the guy assumes whatever he was doing was magic, and then the poor girl he sleeps with next will undoubtedly be submitted to the same torture. “Women owe it to each other to stop letting that happen,” Tea said. “Telling the truth in bed is a humanitarian act. You’re saving the world, basically.”
When communication becomes slightly more intimidating, it could mean your sexual desires are on the more extreme side. For example, say you want to go to a swinger’s party, or make love in adult diapers, or engage in a Dungeons & Dragons role-play. It can be nerve-racking to explain this, for fear that you might scare off potential, more vanilla partners. Fortunately, for people with very specific preferences and fetishes, there’s a place called the Internet where all the world’s most exceptional people congregate, and there are forums and fetish Websites—and real-life fetish parties, too—to serve and unite people of every persuasion. However, if you want to get kinky with someone you’re already dating, there are ways to drop hints—suggest a romantic night at home watching Secretary, for example, or buy your partner a sexy gift (e.g. “I saw this horse-tail butt plug and thought of you”). People tend to be more open-minded than you might imagine. As Tea told me, “having a sense of humor about all of this is really important, because sex is so funny. When I met my husband, we laughed through the entire first time we had sex—that’s how I knew he was ‘the one.’”
But so far we’ve only addressed solutions for people who know what they want, but are unsure how to get it. What if your problem is that you know your sex life is lacking excitement, but you don’t even know what to ask for? Or, to take it one step further, what if you don’t even know that you don’t know what you want? It reminds me of that Amy Schumer joke: “In every group of girlfriends, there’s always one who’s the sluttiest. And if you don’t have that friend, guess what: You are that friend.” Maybe you’re the repressed friend and you don’t even realize it—ahh! For the more sexually clueless of us, the classic answer is that porn helps us to visualize our desires. (I can thank porn for teaching me that I find massage-parlor role-play a massive turn-on.) However, if porn isn’t your thing, there are other, less visually graphic ways of stimulating your erotic mind. Watch Buñuel’s classic film Belle de Jour if you want a taste of BDSM, but in a French, high-art way (with the added bonus of watching Catherine Deneuve slink around in an impeccable wardrobe designed by YSL). Or, there’s a plethora of erotic literature to stoke your potential perversions. A few of my favorite definitive titles are Delta of Venus by Anaïs Nin, Story of the Eye by Georges Bataille, and Story of O by “Pauline Réage.”
I was recently given a keychain by the sex and art magazine Richardson. Inscribed on the back is the publication’s motto: “Play hard, play nice, communicate.” That’s a pretty great motto, for both sex and life in general. I now keep the keychain with me at all times. Although the need to communicate what you want in bed (and life) might be obvious and cliché, the cliché holds very true (as most of them do), and sometimes we need to be reminded of that. Because as much as it’s sometimes fun or funny to complain about someone being bad in bed, the fact is, we aren’t mind readers, and the body is difficult terrain—if you want something from someone, you have to let them know. And if you leave unsatisfied, that’s your fault, too.
Hair: Eric Jamieson; Makeup: Junko
On Sciortino: Dolce & Gabbana metallic red acrylic silk fringe dress, price upon request; Dolce & Gabbana, NYC, 212.249.4100
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